Higher Education
Higher education is the collective term for Colleges and Universities, which are big schools for grown up children. There are many different varieties of higher education institutions, the majority of which are hotbeds of godless liberalism. Students are sent to be forcefed the slanderous liberal propaganda of books and facts. College has a known liberal bias. Not all colleges and universities are pure evil, though. The Greatest President Ever attended a university, as did Our Glorious Stephen, and somehow they both managed to survive any corruption by book-learning or critical thought. What Goes on at Colleges and Universities These days, they let college kids do whatever they want in their "ivory towers": live in co-ed dorms, make friends with whoever they want (both in the real world and on the MyFace, and they can even eat cereal for dinner. Book-learning College-types are elitist factonistas who rely too much on books and not enough on their guts. Professors are constantly filling our children's heads with dangerous facts. The "learning" that goes on at most institutes of higher education is completely useless in the real world, where the only things that really matter are making God happy and protecting America from terrorists. Wikiality.com's Holier Than U Education Series does a much better job of educating young minds than universities. Things That Make The Baby Jesus Cry Namely, logic, sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll. No matter how hard they try to shake their reputations, most institutes of higher education cannot hide the fact that most of their students do not see classes as a high priority. Learning is actually the furthest thing from the mind of the average college student. One of the worst things about colleges and universities is the prevalence of the hippie lifestyle. This includes free love, un-groovy psychadelic music, and grass smoking. Some of the elite LIBERAL arts institutions have practically turned into hippie communes, and the average quadrangle (or "quad," as the kids call it) is full of stinking, hacky-sack-playing, war-protesting, hippie wannabes. It's disgusting. In general, there is nothing wrong with drinking alcohol. Even Stephen has been known to throw back a few cold ones from time to time. But underage drinking, which is rampant at colleges and universities, is simply wrong (because the government says it is). 18 year old colleges kids can barely cope with the pressure and responsibilities of their newfound rights to fight and die for our country, to get married, and to buy dry ice. There's no way they could handle the right to drink legally. Ways to Improve Higher Education Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. has done extensive research on how Colleges and Universities are run, and he has devised a perfect system of how to award college credit. This system helps to fix the misconception that all knowledge is valuable, whether or not it leads to a promising career. Stephen has achieved a long-time dream and arranged a three-tier pricing system, based on your degree: *Marketable *Non-marketable *You know this is killing your parents To really revolutionize education, monetary values should be applied not just to majors, but also to individual facts (like in Jeopardy). You can't put a price on knowledge, but the market can. Some of the Few Good Colleges and Universities *Patrick Henry College *Liberty University *Bob Jones University *Regent University *Eagle Forum University - love that name *Knox College - only because it awarded Stephen a doctorate *Northwestern University *Pensacola Christian College *Hampden-Sydney College *University of South Carolina Go Gamecocks! *Virgina School of Profits Factoids *Stephen went to Dartmouth College because of his affinity for mooses, which are known for trampling bears in the wild and taking their wallets. *20% of all human deaths occur while thinking about college. *Libural Colleges are actually big care-centers for lazy liburals External Tubes *Truthi 101 *Welfare Queens demand free education *Libural college demands more money *Hippie Starvation 101 *Hippie college students undermining the free market *Mo Knowledge, Mo Problems *Libural hippies afraid of jocks *How Humanities is corrupting our children *Liberal socialist students want free educajun *Lazy college student wants more free money